yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
