Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
