it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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