he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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