I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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