These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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