just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
