So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
