1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
