Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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