I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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