im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
