Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
