i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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