So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
