you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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