i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
