I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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