well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
