Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
