Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
