Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
