plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
