one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
