so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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