So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize