Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
