remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
