Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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