I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
