if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
