the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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