i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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