This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
even my farts smell like vagina
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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