I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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