my vag is so smooth its legendary
accomplished twins. life is a go
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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