i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
