Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
