Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
