New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
And then he peed in my hair
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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