I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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