Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
