dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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