just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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