you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
