The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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