you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
