Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
