Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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