i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
