I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
