Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
