Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
