We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
