Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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