I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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