I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
two words...techno handjob
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
