There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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