You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
