I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
