you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
