yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
