There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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