If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
