Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Your cock deserves a montage
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
